Frank's Wild Years: Texts

(Full text for Franks Wild Years, June-July, 1986. Transcript from tape by Gary Tausch. Kind permission Gary Tausch)

Cast Of Characters:

Frank O'Brien: What can you say about Frank that hasn't already been written? Quite a guy. Grew up in a BIRD'S EYE frozen, oven-ready, rural American town where Bing, Bob, Dean, Wayne & Jerry are considered major constellations. Frank, mistakenly, thinks he can stuff himself into their shorts and present himself to an adoring world. He is a combination of Will Rogers and Mark Twain, PLAYING ACCORDIAN -- but without the wisdom they possessed. (He'll get his). He has a poet's heart and a boy's sense of wonder with the world. A legend in Rainville since he burned his house down and took off for the Big Time.

Dag Wilson: Middle-Aged Bar-Owner; like an old cactus; barbed wire exterior with hidden milk. Afraid of his own undying adolescence. Pretends to ignore the sweet things he says and feels, with unconscious cover-ups; i.e., he's a tightwad. Wears an ill-fitting toupee, loud print polyester shirt and form fitting pants. He's dressed like the owner of a swinging singles bar.

Willa Bloom: Splayed brunette hair-do on top of her head, glasses round her neck. Dresses "too" casually. Works in parents' hardware store; likes darjeeling tea and flat beer. Has turned her facility with numbers into an avocation with Numerology. Romantic to the point of buying herself a silk negligee and practical enough to sew her name in it.

Fitz (John Patrick Fitzgerald): A would-be inventor. Collects machinery. Owns a miniature golf course -- always on the alert for a get-rich-quick scheme. Did some wrestling in the past. A large physical presence. Dresses like a rural biker; faded blue jeans, railroad boots, sleeveless T-shirt. Has a beer-roll around his waist and short close-cropped hair.

Bongo: Fey and whimsical, seemingly unaware but actually a human antenna who picks up stations from this world and the next. Lives in between the lines, a kind of Court jester, who sometimes appears to be speaking to no-one.

Beverley: Frank's ex-wife

Tony Proffitt: aka Rev. Bobby Whitewatch

Dancing Girls: Six exotic wonders

Yvette: Vegas lounge singer/ Cigarette Girl

Buzz Slowman: Talent agent, Zookies announcer and Strip Show barker

Act 1/ Scene 1:

The Time: The eve of St Patrick's Day

The Setting: A Bus Stop bench in East St Louis. An ad for a mortuary is on the back of the bench. It is late evening. Snow is falling. A very bright shaft of light is shooting down through the darkness. It is the light from a street lamp.

At curtain rise: A light comes up on a tight group of five musicians dressed like Ichabod Crane and the Salvation Army, they are huddling together in the cold and trying to get organized to begin a hymn. One of them has a baton and is waving it over their heads. They begin to play "Frank's Theme" as the snow falls only on them. When the song is finished they move slowly together out of the light. When they are gone all is still ... suddenly Frank is thrown out on stage. he is dressed shabby in an old overcoat and beat up fedora, he picks up his suitcase, stands up, and dusts himself off as he leans against the park bench

Musical Introduction, small brass band with bass drum playing a mournful, dirge like song. [Salvation Army street band?]

[Sounds of a scuffle, Frank thrown out of a doorway.]

Frank: That'll teach you.. that'll teach you to mess around with Frank O'Brien! [pause]

I needed to get out. The air is invigorating... life's rich pageant... and I don't care who I have to step on on my way back down! With a song in my shoe, and a nail in my heart, I stand before you with moths in my change purse. ha-ha...

That's right ladies and gentleman, [claps hands once] Frank O'Brien from Zookies. I want you to come down and check our low, low prices. All the latest styles and fabrics. You say to me, "Frank, I'm divorced, I don't own my own home, I gotta poor credit rating." I say come on now, what are you, a portly? Did you have a heart attack and [spit it up ?] well come on down to Zookie's, we're open all night. Or better yet, call 348-4000! ha-ha...

[Long pause, stage sounds]

Announcer voice: Well, I'll tell ya Saint Louis , Missouri [...] for the forecast for the greater Saint Louis area: snow flurries tonight becoming extremely heavy by about midnight. Blizzard conditions exist for Saint Patrick's Day tomorrow, believe me when I tell you there could be four feet of snow on the ground by 6 AM. You know Saint Patrick, he never would have gotten the snakes out of Ireland if he had to go through weather like this. Temperatures will drop down to 30 below. [horse whinnies in background]

Frank: Is this what you want for me? I ordered the blond and the Firebird and the alligator shoes. I have the feeling somebody's made a terrible mistake, man. [pauses, coughs. Begins to compose letter, reads aloud as he writes:]

Dear Willa, Dexter, Fitz, and Bongo:

Unquenchable opitmism mixed with diminishing success has brought me to this plateau in my life, and you see I don't know... Buddy Grecko. I was never in the Icecapades like I wrote you, I have not been in Europe, and I don't have my own show. I realize I haven't conducted my full potential commensurate with what you all hoped for me, though I'm sure there were times when you said [bangs on stage for emphasis] "I'm sure Frank will get behind before he gets ahead." No wind blows in favor of the ship that has no destination. And so,

Yours truly...

Frank.

Sincerely yours...

Frank.

Love...

Frank.

[Curses.]

Frank: I coulda got into mutual funds, I coulda been working the cruise ships by now...

[Sound of chicken-like human voice, like speech through a trumpet mute.]

Frank: Come on [...]

[Sound continues for a few seconds, then fades]

Frank: Well [...] left to do another number, Ethel. Well, I been out on the coast for a couple of weeks when we were in Palm Springs. Ethel here's a little something, eh, my own song, a little song I like to call "Bacteria."

[Song: Innocent When You Dream. Near the end of verse "Running through the graveyard, we laughed, my friends and I. We swore we'd be together until the day we died..." Frank trails off and ends the song prematurely]

Frank: Thankyou Jack. Well actually, I grew up in a little place called Rainville. Hardly ever does, though. Rain, that is. ha... Sure, it'd be nice to be home. Be nice to be... [shouts] I can't go home in these fabrics! Oh I stay in touch in my own way. When they see a shooting star, a shooting star not a falling star, the whole town points and says, "There goes Frank now, and he's [...]" I'd like to, I'd like to be home. I'd like to walk into Dag's Bar dressed to the nines. I'd like to look good; I'd like to feel good; I'd like to smell good... I'd like to thank all the little people that made this possible, for without you I'd be nothing. [turns to audience] Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. And some day, there's going to be a church on this land, where decent folks can worship. Like Willa... Willa... Willa, blue is your color. Dagster, that's a one-hundred-per-cent undetectable hairpiece; I swear to God! I bet you can swim in that. Fitz, Americans are going to be spending more on leisure. [pauses] Oh no, that jacket is not reversible. [...] More champagne! There's only one answer to that! More champagne. Well Sheridan, do you mind bringing the car around, we're ready when we're [...]. Well, they're just my four best friends, Ethel! Just a... Just half a cup... [...] [sings] Tangerine! Tangerine! You look smart; you always do. I'm just having a little laugh here, just a short one before dinner, and then on to the Stardust. Sheridan [...]. Sheridan [...].

Frank: [calls in mournful voice, draws out vowels] Come home, Frank. Come home, Frank. All is forgiven. Come home, Frank.

[Transitional music]

Frank: Ollie ollie oxen free! Come home, Frank. Come home, Frank.

[Transitional music continues. Stage noises followed by hammering sounds. Music fades to a lone accordion playing Innocent When You Dream quietly in background.]

Dag: The black ball was autographed by Sammy Snead! Now it's gone! This is your contraption, Fitz! You find it!

Fitz: Oh Dag! Will ya shut up!

Dag: Then where are the balls? The balls keep disappearin'! This contraption you rigged up is defective- I shoulda never let you talk me into it

Fitz: There is nothing wrong with the trajectory differential alignment. The problem is all in the vortex of your imagination, Dag.

Dag: You wrote the book! Bring me a pack of those Wilson Pro Staffs with the Balata covers and we'll call it even. I don't want any used balls

Fitz: You know I think it is time, now, that we redefined miniature golf.

Dag: [shouts] You know one of these days I could get some [...]

Willa: Dag, why don't you get one of those vending machines with the perfume? A nice Chanel No. 5. This place doesn't have anything...

Dag: What the hell do you want from me?

Willa: How about turning the fan on for starters, I'm dying in here.

Dag: Makes too much noise, destroys my concentration. Why don't you [open] yourself another beer? Bongo! Kick that jukebox!

[kicking noise. Accordion stops.]

Willa: Don't go kickin' Frank like that.

[Another, louder, sharper kicking noise.]

Fitz:: Horror films. Now, horror films are big with the youth. She gets scared, he gets close. Miniature golf is just in a temporary slump.

Dag: it's a waste of real estate. Aren't you going to pay for that?

Willa: You're sweatin' it out of me.

Bongo: Horses sweat. Men perspire. Ladies GLOW.

Fitz:: The idea would be eighteen holes of horror. We'd have big scenes from all the greats, we'd have Night Of The Living Dead,we'd have Dracula, we'd have Frankenstein. That eighteenth hole would be the Bates Motel.

Fitz: if the ball went in the right hole, the rocking chair would go back and forth in the window[...].

Dag: Sounds like you're on to something there, Fitz.

Willa: You guys, when are you going to grow up. Hasn't there been enough bloodshed?

Dag: Ah, don't pay attention to her, Fitz. What does she know? She's still living at home. She sells hardware. Leaf blowers, broom nails, and peat moss. We're selling leisure! Leisure is victim to the vicissitudes of life

Fitz: Business[...]

Dag: Yeah, big old business [sings]Leisure, yeah

Willa: I'd rather listen to Frank on a bad night

Dag: Yeah, that's any night.

Willa: I never heard you complain when the register was ringing, he packed this place

Dag: What the hell do you know? You never hung around here when the suffering ....

Willa: Oh be quiet, you could have done better if you'd had a larger bar. Here's to you, Frank, wherever you are.

Fitz: He's probably in the tropics hanging on to some Polynesian princess

Willa: Listening to you guys makes me feel old. Next time you want to recapture your youth do it without me.

Bongo: Always drink old wine with young girls, and young wine with old maids.

Dag: Who said anything about age? We're talking business.

Fitz: Yeah, business.

Willa: [slapping noise] Oh, look at you. What's wrong with your head? Are you feeling a little taller?

Dag: Hey, so what? So I lost a few pounds. It always makes you look taller.

Bongo: Aaahhh, Dagster, you bought those elevator shoes at Smitty's [...]. This is what you did, see. Thought that a shoe would get you the social life of the century, huh?

Dag: Shut up!

[Others laugh derisively]

Dag: So I went and put some kinda little capital into my personal appearance - something you two might consider!

Willa: Oh, there's no [...] here. Maybe I should bob my hair, what do you think?.

[Sound of thunder.]

Fitz: Francis Stillwagon was struck by lightning again last week.

Dag: How many times that make?

Fitz: Eight.

Dag: Jeezis...

Bongo: He's a microwave. Something in his blood.

Fitz: He's a lightning rod!

Bongo: He's a hot rod!

Fitz: He's a conductor.

Dag: He's an asshole.

Willa: Hey, you remember the Presleys,Dag. Well, their older boy Mike went out with a girl who was in a near-fatal car wreck between here and Yuba City

Fitz: What kind of car did she drive?

Willa: What do I know about cars, I think it was a blue Corvair, three speed, dual carbs

Dag: Ernie Kovacs died in a Corvair. Bad steering.

Willa: Anyway, she's fine now, but she has no sense of humor! And I don't think the crash was responsible for that!
She was out for a long time, said she was between worlds

Bongo: Thinking something usually makes it happen. Thoughts have legs.

Willa: I don't think she was doing much thinking in her condition. She said she saw stunning lights, and people were lining up just to go through the turnstile to get to the lights. She got a look at what she swears was heaven. She said the prices over there had been slashed. And they were selling name-brand appliances at half what they charge anyone at our store. [wind noises] I was so warm and now I swear I'm freezing

Fitz: One of those strange and troublesome global weather currents[...], possibly El Nino, or maybe the Lapajaros???.

Bongo: Lapajaros?

Dag: [...] what the hell are you talking about? Hey look, it's snowing!

Willa: I ain't never seen snow!

Bongo: [...] huh? Maybe it was some dust?

Willa: Maybe the [...] were burning their trash again in that damned incinerator. I don't know, maybe it was snow. What do you think?

Frank: [loud through a microphone] Testing, testing. Is this thing on here? Excuse me.

Willa: Who? Frank?

[drum roll]

Frank: Ladies and gentlemen can we put our hands together and give a warm Rainville welcome to the hometown homegrown star himself, ladies and gentlemen, Rainville's own Mr Frank O'Brien

[band starts playing]

Frank: thank you ladies and gentlemen, I love you individually and as a group.

Well, Frank he settled down out in the valley
And he hung his wild years on a nail that he drove right through his wife's forehead
He sold used office furniture out there on San Fernando Road
and he assumed a 30,000 dollar loan at 15 and a quarter percent
and he put a down payment on a nice little 2 bedroom place
Well, his wife was a , well, a spent piece of used jet trash
She made good bloody marys, I'll give her that
She kept her mouth shut most of the time
They had a little chihuahua named Carlos
Come here, Carlos, come to daddy, daddy's home, come here, Carlos
He had some kind of a skin disease and was totally blind and ...
they had a thoroughly modern kitchen, a self cleaning oven, the whole bit
and Frank drove a little sedan, they were so happy
One night Frank was on his way home from work stopped at the liquor store
Picked up a couple of Mickey's Big Mouths
Drank em in the car on the way to the Shell Station
Where he got a gallon of gas in a can
Drove home, and he doused everything in the house, torched it
Up in smoke, then he parked across the street laughing
Watching it burn, all Hallowe'en orange and chimney red
And Frank got on 99 and he headed south
Put on a top 40 station and feeling wonderful
He just never could stand that dog

[others cheer, howl, lot of noise, singing]

Frank: well I took the Manchester Blvd turnoff as usual, Dag, I took the [...] off ramp, I was backed up on 32 for half an hour so [...]

[more shouting]

Frank: [..]. those fabrics are sensational, is that Sears? [... all talk at once - unintelligible ...] something you haven't been able to locate in a bar? [...] these are from the Dominican Republic, they cost Frank $35.00 [...] I recommend you smoke it slowly. No, Willa. I haven't forgotten you.

Willa: Aaah, that's just lovely, Frank, thanks. Where did it come from?

Frank: That's the bird(?) of Buenos Aires , Willa, there's only one of them that I know of.

Willa: Well, then, it's [...] appearance

Bongo: Hey Frank, what about me?

Frank: Bongo, with all the travel and all, I just plumb forgot about you.

[everyone shouts happily - incomprehensible]

Frank: Dag, you look shorter, I don't know what it is. I see you're up to the same old no good but I see you don't have the big guy to bring them in anymore

Willa: No

Dag: It's always slow, night before St Patricks Day

Frank: St Pat's [...] tight money - how's the old golf work?

Fitz: 18 holes of horror, that's the idea. Hey, and you know, Willa here, she got married, didn't she?

Dag: Oh, yeah, married to a ballplayer, got 3 lovely children and lives out on Squirrel Hill.

Frank: Is that true, Willa?

Willa: No, [others laugh], stop it you guys. I'm taking a few correspondence courses

Fitz: Ah, come on, Willa, do your homework somewhere else. You know what? Hey Frank, I haven't had any of this stuff since I took Mr Moto.[...] Doesn't work[...] I brought you to the Mighty Moto [...]

Willa: No, that was in Redland, Dag

Fitz: That's right, that was in Redland. Anyway, Frank, [..] Mr Moto. Pinned him like a butterfly

Frank: Like a butterfly

Fitz: Even then I was so happy I sprayed and showered the stuff. Hardly drank any.

Willa: I don't know - I've never drunk champagne before. I hear it does strange things to your head, all those bubbles, exploding in the back of your mind

Fitz: I hear every voyage needs a woman's touch

Frank: Bongo, I see you're not waiting for the lab results on this experiment

[laughter]

Bongo: What took you so long, Frank? Doesn't that suit glow in the dark?

Frank: Well it should for what I paid for it. [...] when I was down in Hong Kong(?) Charlie's. As a matter of fact I just got in from Hong Kong(?). In fact, Bongo, why don't you let me pick you up a couple of these - what is your inseam?

Dag: are you in the import business now?

Frank: Actually, I'm in the export business, Dagster. Ladies and gentlemen, let's start our engines

[cheers from the others]

Dag: To Frank. Blown like a hayseeed on top of destiny's gale. From a Rainville barstool to a St Louis jail. There's a nail in the bottom of Horatio's boots. And that's why he's wearing a brand new suit. - Bongo, don't forget you're working - you can't be drinking on the job

Willa: Come on, it's St Patrick's Day

Frank: Dag, I think we could use a few more bottles of champagne around here. There's no objection I hope. I'm buying. Now we all have our own bottle.

Bongo: Give me that bottle, give me that [...]

[ confused talking ]

Willa: My goodness, Dag,who have you been entertaining?

Fitz: Yeah, Dag, have you been holding out on us all those New Years Eves? When'd you drink this stuff?

Dag: I don't, I haven't. This isn't my liquor, I've never sold so much as a glass of champagne in this bar

Frank: Well, I don't have to [....] [drowned out by others talking]

Dag: You can't drink liquor in my bar for free, just like you can't bring your own food into someone else's restaurant.

Willa: Come on, it's not your champagne, Dag. Where did it come from?

Frank: Into every life a little champagne must fall [laughter]. And when you're walking a black [...] and you can't get back home anything can happen

Willa: Oh, God, I love [...]

Frank: [...] insightful, not just passing through [...] could say the spirit moved [...]

Fitz: Didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell ya Frank'd be back. Didn't I tell you he wouldn't forget his buddies?

Dag: Yeah, 6 lousy cards in 8 years

Bongo (loudly) : it's Frank O'Briens' School Of Broadcasting

Frank (through a microphone) : Dagster have you ever thought of getting all the lights in here on dimmers and intensifiers? - joining the 20th century

Dag: Hold on, hold on [..] listen up here [reads card]

Dear gang, I'm soaking up the wind in a bar in sunny Vegas playing hardball with the big boys. Shecky and Wayne. Won a lot of money and met a beautiful brunette, she's a bombshell

Frank: Yeah, well ...

Dag: (continues to read) Playing golf, boating and fishing on Lake Mead. Stay tan. Love, Frank. - Now you call that meaningful communication?

Frank: That's my life, Dag (music starts, Frank sings - That's the way it s [...])

The others join in and all sing:

That's just the way we are
We'll never cry [...]
It's just the way we are
It's just the way we are boys
It's just the way we are
Don't ever try to bring us down
Cause it's just the way we are

Dag: Frank, how about a song for old time's sake

Willa: yeah, Frank (others join in)

Frank: Oh, for crying - oh, all right

[all talk, Frank starts to play piano]

Frank: What have you been using it for? All right, the request line is now open.

Fitz: Okay, Frank, we want to hear "Who Put The Benzedrine In Mrs Murphy's Ovaltine" [..]

Dag: How about [..] East St Louis - that old [...]

Willa: I know. Yesterday Is Here.

[all talk at once, Frank and the band play a barroom blues, Frank sings:]

Frank: I don't know anything [all talk at once]

If you want money in your pocket
You want a top hat on your head
And a hot meal on your table
And a blanket on your bed
You know today is gray skies
And tomorrow is tears
Well, we'll just have to wait till yesterday is here

Don't you know that I'm going to New York City babe
I'll be leaving on a train - cause it's cheaper
If you want to stay behind
And wait till I come back again
You know today is gray skies
And tomorrow is tears
And we'll have to wait till yesterday is here

If you want to go
To where the rainbows end
You have to say goodbye
Don't you know all our dreams
They come true baby up ahead
And it's out where our memories lie
Don't you know that the road is out before me
And the moon is shining bright
And one thing I want you to remember
As Frankie disappears tonight
Don't you know that today's gray skies
You know tomorrow is tears
And you'll have to wait till yesterday is here

Willa: [...] Frank, it was real good. I suppose you wouldn't recognize me if I wasn't sitting here

Frank: As a matter of fact, Willa, you look so much younger with your hair up

Willa: I do? Oh, go on. You're just joking again.

Frank: Dag, you said that you'd see that my grave would be kept clean

[laughter]

Fitz: Jesus, I can't believe you're here [...] Frank, what are you saying?

Frank: [..] well I mean out there in [...]

Fitz: [...] the old gang on the phone, come on, get on the horn [...]

Frank: [...] I'm just staying for a couple of hours. [...] I've come home to Rainville, the cradle of my dreams, to open up the bottles of yesterdays gone, for there will be no tomorrows for me

[all talk at once - incomprehensible]

Fitz: To the King of Showbiz

Willa: To the King Of Showbiz

Dag: Maybe the king has choked on his crown

Fitz: a toast always makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something while I drink if there's a toast

All but Frank: To The King Of Showbiz

Dag: [...] bad roads, 2 year old scotch, yellow roses, dead presidents, live bait, clarinets, sunglasses and 9 lives O'Brien.

Fitz: Hey Frank, you see your old furniture store is a yard decoration place now. They got frogs - in loveseats, they got cement chairs, they got [...]

Willa: last(?) round

Frank:Whatever happened to the old Artichoke Museum?

Willa: Gone. Guess maybe there's a number of people have moved on to greener pastures over the years. That can be viewed as a blessing. There's no traffic and no lines

Fitz: No line means no business. People move on for different reasons

Willa: Oh, that's true, Mr Witherspoon at the bank is gone.

Fitz: That's not quite what I meant, Willa

Frank: Witherspoon? Gone? Where did he go?

Fitz: Hung himself. From a tree in his own backyard [...] with that necktie he wore - you know, the blue striped one

Frank: (loudly) I loved that tie

[all laugh]

Fitz: He did it on Flag Day

Frank: [...] There you go, Witherspoon, always planning ahead [laughs] Rainville is a nest in the top of the tree and life is a miserable fall to the ground

Willa: Well, Frank, when did you get sentimental about Rainville?

Frank: [...] sentimental about a lot of things. It's a special night and it's so good to be back in the orange saddle once again

Willa and others: yeah, [...]

Frank: Ah, Rainville, Rainville - oh what a town, it's a mad town, it's a jungle. I still see myself in the old storefront on San Fernando, 10 miles of bad roads, radiator repair shops, it's a real bone orchard for business, let's face it. The dogs running wild in the streets. Oh, that motel on one side of the road and the cafe on the other surrounded by prison food and mattresses made out of dough. When it rains the whole town goes mad, it's like a damn border town. The orange dawn slashed up and tangled in the power lines like a demonic ship's rigging - the whole strip took on the feel of some doomed harbour. God, the air is so odd, you feel so hopeless way out west, [louder] Go west, young man, go west [laughs], Ah, those railroad tracks sprawled up the back of the state like stitches. Yeah, thundering out of that switching yard past the backyard fence bound for Oxnard, Lompoc, Gila Bend, Stanfield, Buckeye, all those great urban centres. I'd stand in the doorway and make a wish, count the cars, just like I did when I was a kid ... folks trapped fall in love with the trains. (Shouts) At least something is getting out of town alive!

Others: [confused & hard to make out...] Come on, Frank

Fitz: Things are lookin' up here. As soon as that resort opens I'm gonna build [....]

muddled conversation drowned out by a train sound -then the band starts and Frank sings:

Blow wind blow
Wherever you may go
Put on your overcoat
And take me away
You got to take me on into the night
You got to take me on into the night
Blow me away

You know that Mary's on the blacktop
There's a husband in the doghouse
In the middle of a shakedown
She got about as quiet as a church mouse
Put my Raleighs on the dashboard
Sugar Daddy caught a polo car
There ain't no solitary tap dance way out here
And if you blow wind blow
Wherever you may go
Put on your overcoat
You got to take me away
You got to take me on into the night
Tkae me into the night
Blow me away
Blow me away

Well I'm riding on a churchmouse
And I was just dancing in a slaughterhouse

And if you swing along the Beltway
You gonna skid along the all day
Cause I went a little crazy
And I sat upon a high chair
There ain't no solitary tap dance way down here

And if you blow wind blow
Wherever you may go
Blow wind blow
Blowwind blow

Confused talking - everyone at once - train conductor talking

Frank [....] more champagne.

Dag: A toast. Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends.

Willa: Frank, they built a dog pound on the lot where your house used to stand.

Fitz: A dog pound. What a joke. They could have set up a concession stand and sold souvenirs. I mean people came from miles around just to get a look at the remains. Even now when people drive by they stop - and they ask about it. And there has been more than one man going through town that has threatened his wife to lay off or ....Whoooosh .... liberty torch time

Willa: Beveley, she came home to the house all ablaze. She was certain that you and the little dog had been burned alive
[....]

Dag [....]

(from Offstage) Beverley (shouting): Frank!!!

Willa: She finally put one and one together for the first time in her life

Beverley: Frank!!!!

Fitz: Yeah, with the help of the gentleman the insurance company sent out to investigate the fire

Dag: Helped her divorce you and marry him and then they moved up north somewhere

Beverley: Frank!!!!

Frank: What !!!!

Willa: Sometimes it's touching when a couple is so mismatched

Beverley: Frank!!!! Goddamn it, Frank!!

All laugh

Beverley: Frank, I have told you, the last thing Rainville needs is an accordian player, you have got to get into something more civilized. Now you take land development or real estate. Now you're good with people. Work with me, Frank. I have needs here.

Frank: You're telling me here!!!

Willa: You could have just divorced Beverley, Frank. I mean it's not as dramatic but it is effective

Frank [...] would have dragged on for years and the attorney fees and ... it was the Big Time that was calling

Willa: I wouldn't know much about that

Bongo: Big Time. You can get there with the right song, Frankie

Frank: [...] that place way over the hill.[...] the place where all the broken watches are. Somebody winds us up when we're born - then we're all just a small piece broke off of the Big Time. When we stop ticking we go back up to the big clock, wait for a chance to come back down and swing again

Dag: Now what in the hell is that supposed to mean?

Frank: It means I left town, Dag. I got in my car and I drove out of this little town. I stopped at Svatcos and I said, Larry, you fill it with Supreme. Check the tires, Larry, I'm going places. I got on that road, I drove past the slaughterhouse, I ran that light at Larkin Road and Sutter's Mill for the last time and I got on that road and it was cool and clean, a silver blue runner down a long black hall, the weathervanes disappearing in the rear view mirror. I leaned on that horn, passing everything in sight

Band starts, Frank sings:

Hang on St Christopher
Through the smoke and the oil
Buckle down the rumble seat
Let the radiator boil
Got an overhead down shift
And a two dollar grill
Got me an 85 cabin
On an 85 hill
Hang on St Christopher
On the passenger side
Open it up
Tonight the devil can ride

Hang on St Christopher
Hang on St Christopher

Hang on St Christopher
With a barrel house dog
Gonna kick me up Mt Baldy
Throw me out in the fog
Tear a hole in the jackpot
Drive a stake through his heart
Do a hundred on the grapevine
do a jump on the start

Hang on St Christopher, yeah
Hang on St Christopher, yeah

Put a highball in the crankcase
Nail a crow to the door
Get a bottle for the jockey
and a 294
There's a 750 Norton
Bustin down January's door

Hang on St Christopher, yeah
Hang on St Christopher, yeah
Hang on St Christopher, yeah

We'll drive this wagon through the rain and the mud
We'll drive this wagon through the rain and the mud
We'll drive this wagon through the rain and the mud
We'll drive this wagon through the rain and the mud
We'll drive this wagon through the rain and the mud
Hang on St Christopher, yeah
Hang on St Christopher, yeah

Frank: Tonight we're pulling out, just like I told you. I'm lyin on a plate with a side dish of snow, it's thirty below and I've been granted a last request

Willa: Let's go Frank, I've never been anywhere with you

Fitz: Go ahead, Frankie

Frank: Remember that billboard on the side of the barn at the old Putnam place? I passed it every day on the way to work. I got to know the guy in the ad, I called him Tony Proffit. He had on a powder blue tux and the whole city of Vegas laid out at his feet. Man, just like the broken bottles that you pick up in your headlights. It was always nighttime in the ad. And the smoke from his cigarette turned into the tumbling blond curls of a beautiful girl and Tony would wink at me and say.."

Tony: Hey, Frankie

Frank: Hey, Tony

Tony: This is only the beginning

Oohs and aahs from the others as Las Vegas showgirls appear

Tony: Hey, Frankie

Frank: Hey, Tony

Tony: You do yourself a favour, Frank. Rainville is just a wide spot in the road, Frank. You make a wish, you keep on driving. Join the Night Brigade, Frank

Tony sings:

Rusted brandy in a diamond glass
Everything is made from dreams
Time made from honey slow and sweet
Only fools know what it means
Temptation, temptation, temptation
Oh, temptation, temptation, I can't resist

Well I know that she is made of smoke
But I have lost my way
She knows that I am broke
So I must play
Temptation, temptation, temptation
Oh, temptation, temptation, I can't resist

Oh, yeah, they're real, say hello girls
Temptation, temptation, temptation
Oh, temptation, temptation, I can't resist

Dutch pink and Italian blue
She is there waiting for you
My will has disappeared
Now my confusion is oh so clear
Temptation, thank you, temptation, temptation
Oh, temptation, temptation, I can't resist

Fitz: Aw sweetheart, come on, don't leave now, the party's just started, hey, what's your number?

Dag: Vegas. I could get used to it for about a week maybe

Willa: Frank, do all the men wear tuxedos there?

Dag: Yeah, Willa, and everyone says their prayers before they go to bed

Drum Roll

Frank: Las Vegas!

Music starts

Frank: I grabbed hold of its mane, I climbed aboard its back, and I charged off into the night. The Strip was an electric artery pulling me down a fluorescent river of dreams. I did what any man would do, I stopped at Maurice's Originals, check it out, Fitz, 100 percent silk, I got me a belt buckle that said "Jackpot" and a hat like the Chairman wears on the Come Fly With me album cover. The crap table was a green landing strip, I let down my gear and I brushed the runway. I was like a bonfire on a cold beach. Those dice were burning my hand like hot stones

Dag: It's like he swallowed an electric razor and everything in the universe has converged upon this one moment. Destiny is taking orders from him.

Casino sounds and cheers - Frank is winning big

[.... double it up, ...]

Frank: Daddy needs a new life

Drum roll

Wild cheers and music

All: Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank ....

(the crowd lifts the triumphant Frank onto their shoulders. Suddenly there's a change of light and music as Yvette, the lounge singer - a cheap, gum-chewing beauty, dressed in a short short vinyl outfit and wearing fruit on her head - appears on stage

Yvette (in a semi French accent): This one is just for you

(she points to Frank)

Music starts

Frank: The first ttime I saw her she was like Venus, as in DeMilo. It looked like she only had one arm but it turned out to just be the lighting in the club. Silk, satin, tafetta, chiffon - the whole nine yards. I knew she was different and I knew she was mine.

Yvette sings:

He puts his chips on my shoulder
Running in carnival time
He bought all the things that I told him
They made made my eyes - oooh - sparkle and shine
Together we'll ring in the new year
Wait, I know that he will be my king
And if I fall asleep in your arms
Please wake me up in my dreams

Frank sings:

Her outfit was all made of satin
Like nothing that I've ever seen
She said she grew up in Manhattan
And she looked like she walked out of my dreams
Right next to the pawnshop's a chapel
I'll show you just what I mean
And if I fall asleep in your arms
Please wake me up in my dreams

Music continues of the same tune, stops, , then a jazzy bass line starts up

Bongo: Look at that. You can be a newsboy at breakfast and a millionaire by noon. That's Vegas. Miracles can happen.

Dag: Not to mention 50 grand

Fitz: Not to mention 50 grand

Dag: A lot a guy can do with 50 grand

Fitz: Frankie's doing it, he's got it made

Bongo: Luck has it seasons. The two of spades sleeps beneath the king of clubs

Willa: Frank's got a lot more to offer

Dag: I don't know, Willa, that's how I spell success

Fitz: you'll get a new stage or maybe build out

Dag: Naw, 50 grand - get myself a couple of Lipizzaner stallions

Fitz: What - what is with lips on stallions?

Bongo: You could get yourself a Rolls Royce, turn it into a chicken coop

Willa: this is just a vacation, and it's an intoxicating place, Vegas, it's a good place to go when you're tired of what you've become

Dag: What do you mean? It's a place to become - Frank has become somebody. What more can a guy ask from life?

Drum roll

Announcer: And now ladies and gentlemen, Caesar's Palace is proud to present the last show in an unprecedented string of sold out shows. Into everyone's life a little wonder must fall. And so let's give a warm Vegas welcome to the one and only - the wild, the wonderful, the lordly Frank O'Brien

Music and cheering

Frank sings:

I'm going straight up to the top, oh yeah
Up where the air is fresh and clean
I'm going straight up to the top
If you know Frank you know what I mean
I won't let old sorrow get me down
I have found you, baby
I have found you
I'm going straight up to the top, oh yeah
Up where the air is fresh and clean
I'm going up high where the birdies fly
Just you and me oh yeah
I'm going straight up to the top, oh
If you know Frank you know what I mean
I won't let sorrow get me down
Live for tomorrow baby I have found you
I'm going straight up to the top oh
Up where the air is fresh and clean
Whoo, Whoa

(instrumental break)

I'm going straight upto the top, oh yeah
Where the air is fresh and clean
Going straight up to the top, oh yeah
If you know me you know what I mean
I won't let sorrow get me down
You know I've found you baby, I have found you
I'm to the T - O - P
Up where the air is
Up where the air is
Up where the air is
Up where the air is
Up where the air is fresh and clean

Heyyy

Thank you

Frank(playing piano): Whoo, thank you, uh, well, hi, Connie, well thank you, Connie, every time, just the way I like it, just a whisper of vermouth, allow it to pass through the ice, thank you, Connie. Connie's here in Vegas studying marine biology. How are those grades, Connie? She's special. Ah - you know, I was standing backstage just thinking about this business we all call show. And you know you probably think I've been up here all my life - Frank's been on top as long as I can remember - I guess he was born there. Hold it, pal, slow down. I want to go back. I'd like to go back to a little place called Rainville. Hardly ever does though - rain, that is. Yeah, it's a little town - don't go looking on a map for Rainville, not unless you're looking on the map written right across my heart. There's a big star next to it - cause it's the capital of everything that I am. It's a little town but it's got a big heart. There's a place called Dagster's Bar and four beautiful people that convinced me that the world was ready for my talent. And I think we owe them something. You know, something called diamonds, something called emeralds, something called rubies (sings) .. and there's something called friends - yeah. (talking again) And you know I feel that they're with me tonight. My friends are here. Tony, my lighting man, Tony, help me find my friends. Tony, where are you - where are they?

Dag: Yo, Frankie

Frank: Ladies and gentlemen, Dag Wilson, Willa Bloom, J.P. Fitzgerald, and Bongo Sweetkind, give em a warm Vegas welcome

Applause

Frank: How is the hotel suite?

Fitz: Beautiful, Frank

Frank: Sheraton picked you up all right in the limo? How about the basket of fruit? You know me - I don't [..] This is for you, kids.
[...] You know, I guess they say I've got good news and bad news. I'm leaving Vegas

Dag?: Oh, Frankie

Frank: I know, me too, me too, but I'm going someplace that way, about 3000 miles - it's big, it's red, it fell off a tree - they call it the Apple, watch out, David Merrick, I'm doing a Broadway show. I'd love to take you all with me but I can't afford the air fare - haha - I'd love to wrap you up and put you in my pocket. But I got room for four more, kids, you're going with me to the Big Apple, you're going with me to New York City - haha - I know what you're thinking - New York, Frank - high crime, high crime -be careful, Frank, be careful. Hey, I can take care of myself. I'm a kidder. uh, it's expensive in New York (sings) - cause it's a big town, Manhattan is - it's New York, New York, it's a big town, be a big man, get happy, you're gonna wanna...

Tip the newsboy
You're gonna want to get a shine
Ride that old dream to the end of the line
I'm going places
I'll get a ride
Way up to the riverside
I'm gonna take you New York
I'll make it happen
I'm on the caboose
Drinking Manhattans
I'll make a splash on the big town
That's how I will arrive
Have you got two tens for a five
Roll out the carpet
I'll strike up the band
Break out the best champagne when I land
You're gonna beat the the parade drum
Hit all the bars
I want that moon and those stars
I'm gonna take you New York
I'll make it happen
I'm on the caboose
Drinkin champagne
Tear off the wrappin
And I know someday they're gonna name
A street after me
Right next door to old Franklin D.
I'll take you New York
Come on big town
Come on get happy
Hey Manhattan

(coughing fit)

Come on big town

(more coughing)

Act 2/ Scene 1:

[Begins with jazzy instrumental music growing more chaotic at the finish, ending much like Midtown on the Raindogs album]

Frank: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [grunts and moans] Don't hate me! Don't hate me! I can't lie ... it was Zookie's all along. I can't rob them of their faith. I can't do it. She was just a cheap no good ??? lounge singer. She was just a cigarette girl

[semi sings]

Cigarette girl struck it lucky
But oh what a pack of trouble
For a small town guy
Like me

[nightmare like music starts up]

Yvette: [sings]

My outfit was all made all of vinyl
Like nothing that he'd ever seen
When our divorces are final
He'll fit right into my scheme
Right next to the pawnshop there is a chapel
I'll show you just what I mean
And if I fall asleep in your arms
Please wake me up in my dreams

[followed by longer instrumental version of song, changing eventually into a new tune: ]

Frank: [sings]

It's more than rain that falls on our parade tonight
It's more than thunder it's more than thunder
And it's more than a swindle this crooked card game
There's no more good times there's no more good times

[long pause]

None of our pockets are filled with gold
Nobody's caught the bouquet
We're on the darkest stretch of the road
We're driving crazily on
And it's more than trouble now that I'm sober
There's no more dancing
there's no more dancing
And it's more than trouble I've got myself into
There's no more good times there's no more good times
None of our pockets are lined with gold
All of our pigeons are gone
There are no dead Presidents that we can fold
I'm driving crazily on
And it's more than goodbye I have to say to you
It's more than woe begotten gray skies now
It's more than woe begotten gray skies now

Fitz: Hey, Frank. I don't get it. What's going on?

Bongo: Yeah, Frank, ???? name in lights on Broadway

Dag: Washing?? the tears disguised as Stanley Hopeful, the Big Time? Ha! ?????? A bunch of bullshit!

Fitz: Hey, Frank, what happened to Caesar's Palace?

Lupe, Opera singer: [sings an aria excerpt accompanied by accordian]

Announcer: Thank you very much, Lupe Montenegro, you're great. Hello, how the hell are you all doing so far? What a goddamn night, huh? We've been seeing some really great performers here at the Zookie's Talent Search, haven't we? Thank you. Let's hear it for this great night and for Zookie's who made it all possible. Come on. COME ON! You can do better than that. That's the way. You're a beautiful audience and I'm proud to be an American. We're all used to looking to Zookie's for quality in men's fashions and all night hassle free shopping, but who would have thought that Zookie's could bring us so much exciting talent. We're the Zookie's Talent Search. We're like fishermen, casting our nets into the sea of entertainment in hopes of bringing in the big ones. And let me remind youze of what some of the top contestants will be walking home with tonight. We got prizes, we got prizes. We got deluxe patio furniture, Janzen swimwear, Italian water skis, and don't forget - plenty of Zookie's gift certificates. Before tonight is over some lucky son of a gun is gonna begin his climb to the top and Zookie's is gonna be there holding the ... ladder. And don't forget one lucky contestant will be chosen to host the in store variety act for our new Manhattan location, Zookie's East, located in the showbiz centre of the world, New York city.

There they'll be seen by all the producers, stars and luminaries who shop for high fashion at Zookie's low low prices. So on with the show. Our next contestants are a couple of folks who hail from Torrence, California. She's a dental hygienist and he's a building contractor. Their act is unusual but that's what this business is all about. Let's put our hands together for the body building team of Gene and Tony

Tonic: that's Tonic

Announcer: Sorry, Gene and Tonique - Gin and Tonic

[music, an orange light bathes our duo as the sweat pours off them and a classical theme underscores their slow motion muscle posing. They are deadly serious as they use their bodies to spell out Zookies, one letter at a time. Gene and Tonic finish with enormous fanfare and take their bows]

Announcer: Thank you, Gin and Tonic, the human body is practically a thing of beauty. Weren't they great?

Our next contestant is from Rainville. He does his own original material and has a style all his own. He's witty wild and Vegas. He's going ????? You're gonna love him. Please welcome Frank O'Brien

Frank: Thank you very much. I'd like to dedicate this to Dag Wilson, Willa Bloom, J.P Fitzgerald, and Bongo Sweetkind

[sings Innocent When You Dream]

[applause]

Announcer: Hey, what do you think, I think we got ourselves a winner, huh?

[fanfare music]

Gentleman: I thought you were just remarkable Mr O'Brien. I've got a linee of e of cruise ships I think your style would be perfect for

Announcer: No, Frank, no - you just stick with me, Frank, do what I say, keep smiling, you're gonna be big

Gentleman: [....] original sound, we'd like to hear them all

Announcer: No, think Zookie's, Frank, think New York, think showbiz capital of the world, now, you thinking? [???] fame and fortune, huh?

Gentleman: [???] you're very good, Mr O'Brien, ...

Announcer: No, no, you need Zookie's, you need Zookie's, - Zookie's - Zookie's

[music like traffic noises, drum roll]

Willa: I can't believe I'm in New York, are you sure I'm dressed for it, Frank?

Fitz: I think I've got a second cousin here, New York's a city of connections, right, Frankie? Frank? Where's Frank?

Willa: I thought he was up ahead with you guys

Fitz: Frankie?

Dag: Frank?

Fitz: Frank? Hey, Frankie

Drums start, Frank sings:

Come on down to Zookie's
Join our Zookie's team
So come on down to Zookie's
You're in a suit of your dreams
You're in a suit of your dreams
So come on down to Zookie's
And join our Zookie's team
Come on down to Zookie's
You're in a suit of your dreams
Of your dreams
You're in a suit of your dreams
Of your dreams
You're in a suit of your dreams

[phone rings]

Frank: Fashion call [laughs] Frank O'Brien for Zookie's, the all night haberdashery where high fashion meets low prices. What are they wearing in Rome? Plaid, baby. Plaid [laughs] It's crazy but it's true. Plaid with mocassins, kind of a mauve, kind of a camelhair, make a swirl out of it, go crazy with it. I love you. Honey, will you call ... yeah, uh, hold everything, okay.
Thank you, I'd like to take this opportunity to do one of my own songs for you

Sings:

And it's such a sad old feeling

Manager: Stop, Frank - stop - now, I told you before, this is not a nightclub. You, you get the shoopers' attention and tell them about the special offers, what's on sale, [???], no singing, bring the customers up here and do the routine and show em how to dress, all right?

Frank: Okay, come on up here young fella, I'm talking to you. [laughs] Watch yourself now, we're not insured. Okay you look beautiful. What kind of an Eastern thing - whoa - I got vertigo. Who! What's your name?

Customer: Bob

Frank: Bob. Bob, where you from, Bob?

Bob: I'm from right here

Frank: Right here - okay - what'd you come down to Zookie's for today?

Bob: Well.. I don't usually .. well, it's open all night

Frank: [shouts] It's open all night, Bob! That's your strength. Back in the water there, c'mon kid

Salesman: Frank - Frank, did you sell that paisley jumpsuit, it's not on the rack

Frank: Brad, I'm workin the room here

Salesman: Jesus, I'm trying to work the room too

Frank: Get out of here. Get out of here. - Come on up here, big guy, come on up here, I'm talking to you. Hey, big man, what's your name?

Customer: Lou - Lou Daniola

Frank: Lou Daniola - where you from Lou?

Lou: Erie, Pennsylvania

Frank: Well, it's pretty eerie standing next to a big guy like you, I'll tell you that. Well, what have we got here - we got [???] whoa, it looks like an aerial view of Kansas. We've got soybeans - we've got corn, we've got potatoes, I grew up right down here, Lou. Are you here by yourself, Lou

Lou: That's my wife over there

Frank: Hello, baby - and I mean baby - both of you

Lou: we've got 2 girls, a boy on the way

Frank: Ah, new customers, new customers, where's he gonna shop when he's old enough?

Lou: Zookie's

Frank: You bet he is. What brought you down here, big guy?

Lou: I wanted to get a jacket but nothing fits me, I'll have to come back

Frank: Whoa, slow down, big man, slow down. I got to come back. That's what thousands and thousands of well dressed shoppers say every day - I like the fit, I like the fashion, I like the style, I like the prices and I got to come back! Back in the water, big man

sings:

And it's such a sad old feeling

Manager: Frank!

Frank: [singing] All the fields are soft and ...

Manager: Right, time's up, a shipment of Swiss things??? just arrived, come on, back to the floor, Frank

Frank: You said I could sing, and I'm singing

Manager: Yeah, well, maybe later, you know, hey - if you sold as many suits as Rod does maybe we could talk about it

Frank: But Rod doesn't sing

Manager: Yeah, well, you don't sing so good either, buddy, I got news for you. Now - I don't want to discuss it. You - we've been doing you a favour - remember that

Frank: You been doing me a favour?

Manager: That's right

Frank: You're doing me a favour ... so come on down to Zookie's - in midtown Manhattan, high crime, high prices - and if you want to look like a pimp come on down to Zookie's

[sings] And it's such a sad old feeling, all the fields are soft and ..

Manager: All right - that's it - I've told you and I've told you. Now, you're fired

Frank: You're fired

Manager: You're fired

Frank: You're fired

Manager: Get out of here

[sound of door closing]

Dag: Well, this certainly wasn't in the cards, as in postcards

Willa: Are you having an epiphany, Dag?

Dag: Just thought a little humour would sweeten the moment

Fitz: Just shut up, Dag, and help Frank

Willa: Look at him. He's shaking, his teeth are chattering

Fitz: No, no, it's nothing to worry about Willa, it's nervous depression. I used to get it every time I lost a match.

Willa: Fitz, you were undefeated

Fitz: ... yeah ... well, I seen lots of other guys

Dag: Change your story and lose your audience [????]

Willa: What's that?

Dag: Ask Fitz, he know all about it

Fitz: You shut up, Dag

Dag: Come on, Fitz, you never even fought professional

Willa: Come on Dag, what are you trying to do here? We're supposed to be helping Frank

Dag: It pisses me off

Fitz: Okay, Dag. I wrestled some in the navy. And then I got hustled and that's it

Willa: Come on, Fitz. Oh, come on

Fitz: no, no, no, no

Willa: Don't do this - no

Fitz: I want to - I want to - I bummed around a while, I managed to do all my savings in - and then I came home
- okay, you happy now, Dag?

Dag: Yeah, that's pretty much how I had it figured

Fitz: But why did you let me go on all these years

Dag: Just waitin for the right moment, that's all

Willa: Come on, shut up, Dag. We liked the stories, Fitz, all of us did

Fitz: Yeah, Dag's so smart. He probably had this figured too

Dag: Sure I saw it coming. Frank was always taking candy from strangers.

Willa: Come on, Frank. All this chattering. Just rest a while. You're so sensitive. You're in between who you were and who you're going to be. You're disoriented right now, don't go anywhere until you've got your bearings

Frank: Willa, I think they're playing our song

Willa: Where, when, what song?

[music starts]

Frank: Now, let me lead, Willa, you always want to lead

Willa: Oooohhhh - no, I don't. You never know the steps

Frank: Oh, is that so?

Willa: Yes, let's dance later, Frank, I want to talk to you

Frank: Willa, you've got to get your priorities straight. Remember this? I'll never forget the night the band played my songs blended in with all those great standards

Willa: Senior prom [???] - you bribed the band to play it

Frank: Willa, what kind of perfume is that you're wearing? Is that some kind of a- an Armeniam or Tunisian 'toilay' water?

Willa: Why, no, it's um - oh, goddamn you Frank, I suppose I look pretty silly to an oil slick like you

Frank: As a matter of fact, Willa, I've been wearing a pair of glasses that changed the way I see the whole world. And I don't think I ever took them off until I looked at you tonight

Willa: You always knew just what to say to a girl

[sound of clinking glasses]

Frank: Whatever happened to us, Willa?

Willa: Try Beverley, do you remember her? Your wife. High heels, low IQ. You actually believed she had connections in the business - that she would go on the road with you. You never knew what people were about

Frank: Aw, Willa, you know me, I could never settle for being some home town home run - I always said I'd only come home to Rainville in a coffin or a Cadillac

Willa: Oh, yeah. You always said the White House could use a Latin club too. Oh, God, Frank, come on, there'a a whole world of side roads. It branches off from Mr. Vegas and the Fashion Doctor. Those - those were the roads you once dreamed of travelling

Frank: Yeah, I'm all right

Willa: You're shaking

Frank: I'm just nervous, it's all this talk makes me nervous

Willa: Oh no, you're freezing

Frank: I'm all right, I'm a little cold, stacked up over Idlewild, I'm hovering above my doom - I've got till about 6 AM

Willa: Okay, so I can go along - I'm a good travelling companion - portable, stay dry lining - self cleaning

Frank: I've already settled down, Willa

Willa: Oh - you're married?

Frank: No, no, I'm on a park bench in a snowstorm in East St Louis, I could never get fire insurance

Willa: Oh, shit - well okay - just say you hate me

Frank: Did I ever tell you about the Red Coated Yellow Throated Scoundrel, Willa? They leave the nest before they can fly and they never return to their home

Willa: Oh, hell. You asked me to dance [???]

Frank: [sings]

And if I have to go
Will you remember me
Or will you find someone else
While I'm away

There's nothing for me
In this world full of strangers
It's all someone else's idea
I don't belong here
And you can't go with me
You'll only slow me down

Until I send for you
Don't wear your hair that way
And if you can't be true
I'll understand

Will you tell all the others you
Hold in your arms
I said I'd come back for you
And you'll have my jacket to
Keep you warm that's all
That I can do

And if you have to go
Will you remember me
Or will you find someone else
While I'm away

Fitz: Come on, Frankie, you're shivering, let's go home, huh

Frank: It's too late for that, Fitz, it's too late

Dag: Come on Frank, I'll take down all the mirrors and you can walk in the bar backwards, no one will ever know you left, trust me

Frank: It's a comforting thought, Dag

Dag: For me, yes, I can't take all this zigzagging. I've worked it out so's I don't have to go anywhere and I like it. You've got your head twisted up wrong, thinking you've got to be bigger, and louder, better and stronger

Fitz: Forget the past, Frank, it's the future that's always sneaking up on you while the past is strewn all about. You've got to pick it up before you trip over it

Frank: The snow must be piled up pretty high by now, huh, Bongo?

Dag: Are you still talking that nonsense about snow and park benches? You just need a drink

Frank: Sorry, Dag! It's the last stop before Road's End and it's time to put the dirt in the hole and bury the yard sale of Frank O'Brien's life

Dag: I'm not interested, Frank. I've seen enough

Frank: Wrong, Dag! You signed on for the whole ride! Just like you always said - there's no substitutions on the menu

Fitz: From the ashes of defeat we will bloom into the fray and the things we learned on Market Street will fill our plates today

Frank: [shouting] And here's to chasing all the dogs in my memory away. The windows are tearing our fences all down [music starts up] The coffins are driving around underground. So spill me bitters around [???] And chase the dogs in my memory away - cause the Frank O'Brien Industrial Average, after rising to unpredictable heights took its worst decline in years. The slump came late in the day in New York City in what is known as the triple witching hour [chaotic music builds]

Fitz and Dag shout incoherently

Announcer: We got Medusa! We got Aphrodite, pal - we got Indiana Jones - come on in folks, take a walk in the dark - [???] special deal [???] lady in for free. maybe she can pick up some [???] tips on the inside. Come on inside folks, they're all doomed, they're all nuts, come on in, we got snowflakes, we got teenaged girls, we got [????????] come on - you can tell your friends all about it [???} special deal, pal. you will be [????]

Frank: [shouting] Abandon ship, abandon ship! If the shoe doesn't fit - [????} liitle known fact, some spider webs, if straightened out, would actually span over 300 miles

[???? confused shouting, boat horns]

Frank: [??????] or you'll have to return some day. The road's unpaved and they're maintaining the signs that say Broadway - BROADWAY !!!!

[more incoherent shouting and chaotic music]

Frank: send away for automatic mind control, diva Florence Foster after her taxi collided with a semi was capable of warbling an F higher than she ever dreamed possible Did she sue??? Nah, she gave the cab driver a box of cigars and a [????]

[more shouting and music]

Frank: [shouting] No more ships in the bottle! No more poems or a wish. From gossamer tales I've woven the suit of my own duress. And it weighs like bricks in a bucket. Now the dark and forgotten well

Fitz: FRANK!! It's just a mass of barbed wire here, got to get back to a place where you can figure everything out

Dag: Yeah, Frankie, so you told yourself and us a few stories, there's no harm done. Now let's get out of here!!!

Frank: Friends! The mirror of success and failure. The one mirror no one's been able to crack. Throw it away and it still reflects in the shine of your shoes or the window of your defeat - and here's to the old crow, the blood of the wicked bird that filled my veins and deceived my heart - and here's to all of you falling stars as you streak across the night

Willa: You can walk through the mirror, Frank, just stop standing there looking injured, we have seen everything

Frank: Oh no you haven't. It's time we examined the contents of Frank O'Brien - and found 50% polyester and no moral fibre whatsoever

[music builds to climax]

Singing: That's just the way we are boys, it's just the way we are, don't ever try to change us now cause it's just the way we are

Rev Bobby: I've come to break the chains that bind your souls. There's only one way into heaven, friends and that's to repent, come home to the Lord. You say to me, Bobby, I'll get around to that a little bit later, Bobby, after I finish this bottle - or after I finish these pills - or after I finish selling my body for money. Jesus says I want you now

[more chaotic music]

Rev Bobby: You sir, you look like you've been living in the devil's fish bowl. I'm a fisherman of the Lord and can save your soul. I know how you feel. I once grabbed for all the glitter in the night. I once performed on nationwide TV. And still felt small. I once received fifty thousand dollars for one performance - and still felt poor. The Lord said give me your weak, your weary, your tired. You sir, you look tired

Frank: I'm tired

Rev Bobby: You look like you need a friend

Frank: I have no friends

Announcer: Reverend Bobby says you need a friend

Frank: I do,

Announcer: You're alone

Frank: I'm all alone

Announcer: You're tired

Frank: I'm tired

Announcer: You're beaten

Frank: I'm beaten

Announcer: You need the warmth of a friend

Frank: I do

Announcer: You need the hand of guidance, here, Frank O'Brien, put on these dark glasses, the reverend id waiting for you

[music starts]

Announcer: [singing]

He went down down down
The devil called him by name
He went down down down
Hangin on the back of a train
He went down down down
This boy went solid down
Always chewed tobacco and the bathtub gin
Always chewed tobacco and the bathtub gin
He went down down down down down
He went down

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the tabernacle
So we know why you're here
You're here because you've got darkness in your heart
And we're gonna fix that
Cause the man of the hour, the Lord God, does He have a lot of work to do tonight
Yeah

Chorus: yeah

Yeah

Chorus: Yeah

Yeahh
Well he went down down down
The devil called him by name
Down down down
Hangin on the back of a train
Well he went down down down
The boy went solid down
Always chewed tobacco and the bathtub gin
Always chewed tobacco and the bathtub gin
He went down down down
He went down
He went down down
He went down down
He went down

Ladies and gentlemen
Please put your hands together for the one - the only - the lightning rod - the conductor - the Lord Jesus' number one right hand man, the reverend Bobby Whitewatch

Rev Bobby: Hallelujah, hallelujah, aren't they wonderful - we got Brenda Jean, we got Brenda, their little brother Dwayne in the centre ring - hallelujah [????] all right - how're you doing this evening. [???] I want you to ask yourself, are you in trouble, is there trouble in your heart? Are you broken hearted? Are your lips wrapped around a bottle of some alcoholic beverage. Put it down, I love you, I love you, I love you [tape cut] ... somebody's burning in hell. Please, please don't let it be you. All right, I said it once, I'll say it again. I say it every week at this time.

Who's gonna be healed tonight? Here they come [????] look what we got here

I feel a spirit in this room. For those of you at home, the cripples have been brought into the room now, if you'd like to lay your hand on the radio and pray along with us. There's a spirit - I want the Holy Ghost to come up here - I'm gonna do some healing tonight. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I'll tell you, before we get around to that though, I have to tell you what happened to me today.

[churchy organ music begins]
I tell you I was on my way here to this meeting this morning and we pulled out over Dallas, I saw the Lord was working his wonders with his paintbrush, oh yes, oh yes he was, with the many hues of his palette, the fuchsias, the meadow violets, the auburns, the vermillions, hallelujah. Amen [audience laughter] Well, we were in the Clipper class. I was seated next to an elderly Indian gentleman. He had ordered the Clipper Captain's breakfast, you know with the eggs Benedict, Canadian bacon, wheat toast - Jesus break the shackles of ignorance that bind me to this earth - I believe he had the rye toast, friends. My nephew Sheridan had the wheat toast [...???] Anyway, I'll tell you I like to watch people and I noticed that the Indian gentleman was having trouble with the tiny foil top that locks in the freshness of the strawberry jam container. And he fussed and he fussed and he fussed with that little jam till I thought he would die. And then, friends, like so many of us in our hour of need, I saw a tear of frustration emerge from his eye and make its way slowly down his cheek. And you know, I'll tell you, I couldn't help myself - I snatched the jam container from his hand, I tore open the foil top, and I spread his jam out on his toast for him

Woman (shouting) Yes, he did now

Rev Bobby: The Lord sometimes helps us out of the little jams too. Be they strawberry, be they grape, be they mixed fruit - sure He's always going for the big picture but He takes the time for the tiny troubles too. And just like that Indian gentleman a tiny trouble can do heap big damage. Well you say to me, Bobby - no, you say to me, Bobby, you say Bobby, you say Bobby, isn't that like calling a brain surgeon to take out a splinter, Bobby? I say no, friends, the Lord takes the time for you out of His busy day cause you're so special to Him. Hallelujah

The power of the hand is the power the Almighty gave me, I feel it charging through my veins. I will use it as a battery charger for you and you and you. (shouts) There in the distance! Who's that I hear? I hear the cry of lost and lonesome sheep. Please, my children, bring this wounded soldier up to the front. My body, my soul, is a cable - a cable that comes from the Almighty power source over the hill up yonder. I shall pass that along to you. I'm a lightning rod, I'm a lightning rod!

Woman: Reverend Bobby

Rev Bobby: Bless you child, what befell you? My unfortunate daughter.

Woman: I was hit by a truck on my way to school

Rev Bobby: She was hit by a truck on her way to school. I bind you, Satan. What's your name, my dear?

Woman: Frances

Rev Bobby: Frances what?

Woman: Frances Winter

Rev Bobby: Frances Winter, I want you to look deep into your heart. Deep into the darkest corner of your heart and tell me if you believe in the healing power of the Lord, Frances. I want you to take your hand - I want you reach out and touch mine - I want you to keep saying over and over again - I believe - keep saying it - let it come up from your bowels - say - I believe - help her out, ladies - I believe - come on

Choir sings: I believe

Rev Bobby: reach out your hand [...] it's Jesus

shouting - I believe etc - music builds

Rev Bobby: Do you believe in the healing power of the Lord? Say it louder - say it louder

more shouting, choir singing

Rev Bobby: Hallelujah [?????] Sweet Jesus, sweet Jesus, I see another troubled soul begging to find You. Please bring this man to me. You ain't going to let him fall from the stage. What's ailing you, son?

Frank: I'm blind, Bobby and I've been blind - it was a car accident in Kentucky. It was the other driver's fault

Rev Bobby: There's no fault in the eyes of the Lord

Choir sings: No fault

Frank: He was driving under the influence. he was driving without a license

Rev Bobby: Do you believe, sir?

Frank: I think so

Rev Bobby: There's bitterness in your heart, my son. It's robbing you of your sight

Frank: I'm bitter, Bobby

Rev Bobby: You must find forgiveness in your heart, son, before the Lord can find you. I repeat, is there forgiveness in your heart?

Frank: It's awful dark to go poking around in there, Bobby. Cause I'm a roadside warning - I am the prodigal failure - I am disappearing nightly. It's witchcraft - witchcraft

Rev Bobby: the Lord loves the black sheep more than all the rest - oh, yes, he does. Say you believe - join us ladies - I believe

Choir sings: I believe

Rev Bobby: Hallelujah. All right- say it son - say it - say I believe - say I believe - say I believe say it so Jesus can hear it (shouts) I believe! Oh yeah, say it - say it come on - say it

He can see! hallelujah! He can see!

Dissonant music begins and builds to a crescendo

Frank is back on the park bench, piano music starts

Frank sings:

Well I broke down in East St Louis
On the Kansas City Line
And I drunk up all my money
That I borrowed every time
And I feel down at the Derby
And now the night's as black as a crow
It was a train that took me away from here
But a train can't take me home

What made my dreams so hollow
I was standing at the depot
With a steeple full of swallows
That could never ring the bell
And I come ten thousand miles away
With not one thing to show
Well it was a train that took me away from here
But a train can't take me home

I remember when I left
Without bothering to pack
You know I up and left with
Just the clothes I had on my back
Now I'm sorry for what I've done
And I'm out here on my own
Well it was a train that took me away from here
But a train can't bring me home

(Bell chimes)

Willa: Look at him. He's really dying

Dag: From what I've seen it's what he wanted all along

Fitz: You can't die, Frank, you're not even in the middle of your journey yet. What happened to the Nine Lives program of Frank O'Brien? Adventure, romance, travel - dreams - dreams, Frank

Bongo: Remember, Frank, what dreams have been dashed on life's cruel reef of a distant shore will wash up on a new lagoon in a quiet cove like driftwood bones bleached smooth and clean

Dag: Frank, I know I've always been the hardest on you but it's just because I want you home

Willa: Frank, you can't die because ... you owe me money -no, because I love you - no, because you love me

Fitz: I just miss you, buddy (words start to echo)

soft music starts

bells chime - New Years

(long stretch of quiet, sound of siren in the distance)

Frank: Dear Willa, Dagster, Fitz and Bongo - Palm Springs has got to be one of the most beautiful spots on God's earth..... Dear friends, I got to a place that was so crowded I lost sight of my dream - or maybe my dream lost sight of me - I don't know (accordion music starts) should I [???] standing on a corner, waiting for a ride- planning a trip (music becomes Innocent When You Dream) - oh by the way I'm working on some brand new material. Thanks for keeping me warm in your thoughts. Love ...

(Audience applause)

CURTAIN